Fri, Feb 24, 2023
Sharing some inspiration
I’m writing to you following some sad news yesterday.
I’m writing to you following some sad news yesterday. My sister’s husband (age 71) passed away suddenly. I’m travelling to the east coast tomorrow to be with my family. Any ideas I had for writing a blog this week have flown out the window while I deal with shock and grief.
An idea that HAS been in my mind for a couple of weeks comes from the writer Susan Cain. I have her latest book Bittersweet on my nightstand, and it’s recently been chosen as an Oprah book club pick.
Susan sends out a lovely newsletter every week, and I’m copying her words below as a way of sharing with you. The idea that grabs me most is that your intentions toward the person can have such a big impact on how you communicate with them.
I hope you enjoy this excerpt from Susan’s newsletter.
*************************************************************************************************
Susan writes: “For today, I want to talk about a communication style that organizational psychologist Adam Grant calls “the power of powerless communication.”
According to Grant, people who pose questions instead of answers, admit their shortcomings, and use tentative instead of assertive speech are some of the world’s most powerful communicators.
People who use these “powerless” communication styles fall into two categories, he says in his book, Give and Take. Some are doormats. But just as many are success stories. And there are crucial differences between these two groups.
It boils down to this insight: When people think you’re trying to influence or dominate them, they put their guard up. But when they feel you’re genuinely trying to help them, to muse your way to the right answer, or to be honest about your own imperfections, they open up to you. They hear what you have to say.
In small group decision-making, suggestions prefaced with qualifiers such as “this might be a good way to go” have been found to be accepted more often than forthright statements such as “let’s do it this way.”
If this framework intrigues you, here are a few specific tips:
When you communicate with someone, ask yourself two important questions:
What do you have to learn from the person you’re talking to? (This will make you curious, and cause you to direct sincere interest towards them.)
and
How can you help this person? (This will lead you to express sincere warmth, and also to divert attention from any self-critical voices in your head.)Pay attention to your insides. We humans are primed to instantly read each other’s body language, facial expressions, tone and pace of speech, etc. So, whatever you feel inside has a way of expressing itself. If you feel kind, calm, and open, people will know it. Adjusting your intentions will take you much farther than obsessing about outer self-presentation.
Frame your opinions as suggestions. “I wonder if it would work to do it this way.” Give people space to disagree with you.
Respond to aggression with humor or a boundary. When the famously unassuming Lincoln was called two-faced during a debate, he said: “Two faced? If I had another face, do you think I would wear this one?” You don’t need the wittiest comeback in the world. The attitude of calm humor is what counts. Of course, this takes a certain level of composure. Another strategy is to calmly end the discussion, letting the person know that you’ll be ready to resume when they’re in a more respectful frame of mind.
***Start with competence.*** The social psychologist Amy Cuddy talks about how people instantly size each other up by two measures: warmth, and competence. They want to know: Will this person treat me well? And, equally crucially: can I rely on this person’s ability to get things done?”