Getting to the root of things

When I was in grade one, I often got in trouble for talking in class. My cousin and I would sit together and just gab away. The teacher would move us apart from each other in an effort to keep us quiet. The problem was, I was happy to talk to anybody, so there was hardly anywhere she could move me that would prevent me from chatting.

Anyone who knows me is quite aware that I like to talk. I’m not a quiet person, and unfortunately, being a good listener isn’t always my strength.

So, I’m not a natural coach. I’ve learned to use the tools of coaching to maintain the container of a coaching session. I’ve also come to discover that interacting with people socially from the coach position is actually very fulfilling for me, and it makes conversations easier.

The key skills of coaching are active listening, curiosity, and open-ended questions. I use these any time I need support in a conversation. For example, if I meet someone new, I find it relaxing to let them do the talking, and lean into being curious about them. I try not to make them feel interrogated by asking too many questions, but most people enjoy feeling like they are being heard.

I’m naturally curious about people – I used to love interviewing candidates when I did recruitment – because I love to hear stories. Moving more deeply into the story through good questions is a superpower.

Recently I’ve been learning a new coaching framework that helps the person being coached to discover the root cause of their concern. For example, someone may tell me they want to increase their confidence. By using this new framework, I can help them dig deeper to the root cause of their concern.

The “trick” of this framework is that it asks the person to connect to their purpose, values and identity (that magic word!). I might ask “How does this connect to what really matters to you?” or “Who will you be if you make this change?”

Peeling back the layers to what truly matters is what I really enjoy. I don’t care about the superficial anymore, and I don’t think there’s much value in focusing on the surface, especially in coaching.

That little six-year-old with the gift of the gab – what was really under that behaviour? She was an extrovert who had lived a pretty quiet life at home until she got to school. She was energized by connecting with people. She cared more about relationships that about the curriculum of grade one.

I haven’t changed much since then, but becoming a coach has given me more tools that help me to have meaningful interactions and deeper conversations in all settings.

If you’d like to see what it’s like to be coached with this new framework, send me an email. I’ve got some slots available for coaching clients.